Finding Daylight
by Emily92
Summary: The darkest hour of the night is just before the dawn.
1. the darkest hour of the night

A/N: First P&R fic, set about maybe 3-4 years in the future. First of two parts.

_i. the darkest hour of the night _

It was the worst morning of Ben's life.

They sat together in the exam room, alone, as her doctor had stepped out momentarily. He had his arms wrapped around Leslie. His t-shirt was wet with her tears, and he kissed the top of her head gently to do what little he could to comfort her.

The doctor was back shortly, saying something about a follow up appointment. Leslie wasn't entirely sure. She felt the vibration of Ben's chest as he responded, but the conversation was all foreign to her. She closed her eyes and buried her face in Ben's shirt, not wanting to be under the harsh lights of the exam table. Not wanting to be here at all, in point of fact. All she wanted to was go back to sleep with Ben holding her so they could forget that any of this had ever happened.

But she couldn't do that.

_No no no no no no no no no_, she thought over and over again. It was really the only thing she could focus on. Her mantra was steady like a heartbeat, a constant reminder that there was only one inside of her when there should have been two.

00000000

It was the second one.

The first had happened not long after they had learned she was pregnant. She'd conceived almost right after they had started trying _("I guess we're just really fertile," she'd said, her face practically glowing with happiness_), and it had been smooth sailing until she'd said one Saturday afternoon, face pale, _"I think something's wrong."_

After a lot of headache and tears, he'd cupped her face gently and promised her they would try again.

And all of that had eventually led to this morning. It had been 3 AM when Leslie had shaken him awake, her eyes wide. He'd gotten them to the hospital as quickly as he could. Held her hand throughout the entire thing.

It hurt a lot more the second time around. It felt like everything was magnified. And like something precious was slipping through the cracks of their hands, shirking away from them forever.

His heart had been breaking all morning, but he had managed to keep it together until he'd returned to their bedroom. His objective had been to get her a blanket. His eyes had fallen to their bed and he froze.

It was the spot where it had all gone wrong, and suddenly he was back there again, seeing her look so pale and pained when this nightmare had started.

He crumbled as he saw their stained sheets.

They had been so full of hope, but now, all of that was gone.

(He threw the sheets out before he left. He didn't want Leslie to see them.)

00000000

He made his way downstairs after his meltdown, blanket in hand. He covered Leslie with it once he reached the couch.

Her eyes fluttered open, "Hi."

He sat on the edge of the couch, "Hey. How do you feel?"

She shrugged.

"How are you?" she asked, knowing he wasn't unaffected by everything that had happened.

He stood up and looked out of their living room window, facing away from her.

"Ben?" she questioned.

"I don't want to do this anymore," he said firmly. His shoulders tensed as he anticipated her response. He knew she wasn't going to like this, would probably with him over it, but after two miscarriages, he didn't know if he could repeat the horrible ordeal a third time.

"What are you taking about?"

"I don't want us to go through this again," he turned to face her as he saw down again, trying to make her understand, "God, Leslie, I don't want you to wake up bleeding and hurting like that ever again, and I don't want us to hurt –"

He was unable to continue the thought, his shoulders shaking as he cried.

"Oh, Ben," she said as she scooted closer to him.

"I don't know if I can do it again," he spoke again once he had regained some semblance of composure, "And I just think it would be for the best if we –"

"I know," she interrupted, her eyes not dry, "That this is the most terrible thing, but Ben, we can't give up."

"Leslie, please."

"Ben –"

"No, Leslie, I'm not doing this anymore!"

A bitter expression came over her face, "You want to take the easy way out. So you're giving up on our family. You're giving up on me."

He left the house without another word, angrily shutting the front door behind him.

00000000

Later, he returned to find her curled up on their bed.

"I'm sorry," she said.

He joined her on the bed, positioning himself so they were both facing one another, "Me too."

"Sometimes I forget I can't be superwoman," she told him, "I can't do everything and deal with everything, as much as I would really like to. And I got like that earlier. I want kids with you so badly. But I don't want to go through losing one again, either."

He kissed her forehead.

Before he could reply, she spoke again.

"Oh god, I have to call work. I can't believe I forgot about that."

"Hey, it's ok. I called for both of us," he reassured her, "Talked to Ron. Most emotional I've ever heard him, I think."

"What'd he say?"

"'I am so sorry,' but it had a lot of feeling in it."

"Shower with me?" she asked a few moments later, "I feel icky."

He nodded, and they made their way toward the bathroom. They peeled one another's clothes off. He was wearing a white t-shirt and gray sweatpants; she was dressed similarly. She turned on the water, and they stepped under the spray together.

He gently rubbed her lavender body wash over her back and shoulders, then moving down to the underside of her breasts. He eventually made his way down to her abdomen – he didn't want to bring painful memories back to her but he _had _to touch her there, to acknowledge what had once been. Her hands glided to his, holding them in place as they memorialized what they lost.

"I love you," she said right before her voice broke.

"I love you too. So much," he replied, "We're gonna get through this."

Once they dried off, they got back in bed and fell asleep, safe in one another's arms and at least somewhat ready to take on whatever life presented them.


	2. is just before

A/N: Looks like there's going to be three parts total now. Thanks to everyone who reviewed.

_ii. is just before  
_

Four months later:

Leslie took a deep breath. Going out to the parks in Pawnee and getting feedback from the kids about how they liked them used to be one of her favorite parts of her job. She still enjoyed it to an extent, but it had morphed into a painful kind of love. It scratched her already open scars and reminded her of what she and Ben had lost.

They had looked into adoption briefly, but neither of their hearts had really been in it. Ben had theorized that it was just too soon, that they were still missing all that had been taken away from them. He had been right – she could hardly go a day without thinking of the two miscarriages and their decision to stop trying.

It made sense, but it practically killed her at the same time. She knew Ben wasn't doing much better – she could see it in his face every day, and they had talked about it when they had decided to hold off on adopting.

"Leslie," Ron said, standing at her door as he interrupted her thoughts.

"Hey," she put on her happy face as quickly as she could.

"You know, if you don't want to do this, I can get someone to cover," he offered.

"What, the site visit?" she feigned surprise, "Of course I'll go. It's my job. And I love my job."

He gave her a hard, knowing stare.

"I don't unusually care about people's lives out of this office – or in it, to be frank – but you hedged your way into my life. You know my birthday. You came to the award ceremony for the chair I made. And like you said that night," Ron paused, "We're friends. And so I guess it makes sense that I…care about you."

"I don't want kids," he continued, "I don't find the idea particularly appealing or pleasant, but what happened to you and Ben makes me…sad. And you, you get that crazy, happy look whenever you're around children, so I can't imagine how you feel."

"Ron," she said, biting her lip.

"Leslie, if you want to sit this one out, it's fine."

"I do," she said in a rush, "I feel like my heart's gonna break whenever I go out there but it's my job and I don't wanna slack –"

"Do not go to that site visit. I'm saying this as your superior."

She nodded, "Thanks. For everything."

"You're going to be a good mother someday," he continued as if she hadn't thanked him, "You're crazy enough to like the idea and to do it well."

"Ben and I stopped trying," she said sadly.

"I don't doubt that you'll find a way to make this work."

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"Do you ever regret marrying me?" Leslie asked Ben quietly a few nights later while they were in bed. It was Friday, and her conversation with Ron a few days prior had consistently been on her mind. If Ron Swanson believed this situation would work out for them, that was really something, especially considering Leslie had lost faith that it would.

Ben quickly shoved aside the book he'd been reading and looked at her, surprised, "Marrying you is the best thing I've ever done."

He wrapped his arms around her, and she leaned into his chest, "Why would you ask that?"

She burrowed herself further into his arms, "Maybe if you'd married someone else you'd have kids by now."

"Leslie," he said, shifting slightly so he could look into her eyes, "You're everything to me. I don't even want to think about a life without you in it. My heart still hurts every day because of what happened, but you're the only thing that's keeping me from drowning."

He gently rolled her onto her back and brought his lips down onto hers.

"Your smile. Your laugh," he continued, accentuating each compliment with a kiss, "Your dedication, the way you put 110 percent of yourself into everything you do. Your heart – how much you care."

Leslie sighed in pleasure as he touched her.

He caressed her face, "I'm so in love with you it's insane. It still is. Always will be."

"I love you, and I like you," she said as she pulled his shirt over his head, losing herself in his bare chest.

00000000

Ben woke up to the sun trying to make its way through their bedroom curtains. He smiled at the feel of Leslie's bare skin against his. He loved lazy weekend mornings with her.

She stirred slightly, slowly waking up.

He kissed her forehead.

"Hey," she said.

"Good morning," he greeted her, kissing her again.

Then, they spoke at the same time.

"Bit of a pointless question, but are you in the mood for waffles?" he asked.

"How do you do it?" she asked.

"What?" he replied, curious.

"You make all the clouds go away," she said simply, but he understood.

"It's fitting, because you're my sunshine, Les," he said softly, playing with her blonde hair

She rolled over so that they were spooning, her back pressed against his chest.

"I don't wanna get up yet," she said lazily.

"Good news, Mrs. Wyatt," Ben replied, kissing her shoulder and then moving upwards, "It's Saturday. You don't have to."

00000000

"Ok, you're scaring me," Ann said a few weeks later. She and Leslie were eating lunch in the courtyard.

"Huh?" Leslie asked, looking distracted.

"Exactly! You're in your own zone. You're too quiet. You're never this quiet. Unusually you're an-eight-texts-when-freaked-out kind of girl. What's getting to you?"

Leslie sighed, "Well, I don't know that it's really anything, but…"

"But," Ann repeated.

Leslie looked worried, "I think I might be pregnant again."

"Oh," Ann replied, understanding everything that could mean for her and Ben, what with the decision they had made, "Have you taken a test yet?"

She shook her head, "It just feels an awful lot like it did both times before. And I'm late."

Ann nodded in understanding.

"I haven't said anything to Ben yet," Leslie continued, "It feels weird, not telling him things. I mean, I'm going to, but I feel like we were just starting to be ok again, to be somewhat alright with everything that happened, and if it happens a third time…"

"You don't know that it will."

"Real good track record there, Ann," Leslie shot back. She sighed, "I'm sorry. I'm just terrified right now."

"I know you are, and it's ok. However this turns out, you and Ben will get through this."

00000000

That night, Leslie was with Ben in their kitchen as they put dinner together. Ann had gone with her to buy a pregnancy test not long after they'd finished lunch. It was currently in her purse and weighing on her mind.

"I have to tell you something," she said in a rush, all in one breath.

Ben looked up from what he was putting in the oven, a concerned expression on his face. He knew that this wasn't excited Leslie; this was nervous Leslie.

"Ok," he replied.

"Sit," she said, motioning to the table, "Only if you want to, though. But I really think we should."

"Les?" he asked, looking at her and not sitting down.

She met his eyes, "I think I'm pregnant again."

He looked surprised.

"Are you – are you sure?"

"Not a hundred percent," she replied, "But I have a test in my bag."

He nodded, "Ok. Should we…?"

He motioned his head toward the bathroom.

"Yeah," she replied, "Let's go."

00000000

"Two minutes is too long," Leslie muttered as they sat shoulder to shoulder on the bathroom floor.

"Not much time left," Ben said, "Oh, look, it's –"

"Positive," Leslie supplied. She laughed nervously, and then she grinned, "Ben's it's positive!"

His smile matched hers, "I know."

"Are you ok with it?" she asked, feeling concerned but unable to help her huge, unwavering smile.

"I'm terrified, but this is amazing," Ben replied.

00000000

"Part of me was hoping for positive all along," Leslie confessed later as they were in bed later that night.

"I wasn't sure what I wanted earlier," Ben replied, "But I like this."

"I can't explain it, but I feel like everything's going to be ok this time" she said.

He smiled, "Mother's intuition. You know I'm going still to be massively overprotective until she's born, though."

"She?" Leslie grinned.

"Just a hope," he gave a noncommittal shrug, placing a hand on her stomach, "I wonder exactly when this happened."

"I have a theory."

"Do you?" he sounded interested.

She nodded, "That night when you told me marrying me was the best thing you ever did."

Ben smiled, "Yeah, that makes sense."

Leslie smirked, "Yeah."

Ben's face darkened suddenly, "Leslie, what if…?"

He didn't vocalize what had been lurking at the back of his mind, the worry that they would fall into the same trap a third time.

"We try to get through it," she supplied, "And we will, eventually, if it comes to that, Ben, but right now I'm just so happy."

He was unable to help the grin that spread across his features upon seeing her enthusiasm again, "Me too, Les. Me too."

"I think this was meant to happen," she told him sleepily hours later while they both were on the verge of slumber.


	3. the dawn

A/N: Final installment. Merry Christmas everybody!

_iii. the dawn_

Nine months later:

Ben told himself to try to remain calm. Right after the thought left his mind he realized it would never happen. His wife was in the beginning stages of labor, so fat chance, really.

He was excited. And terrified.

The pregnancy had gone smoothly. She was ok. Their child was ok.

(Ben was still convinced it was a girl, but they wouldn't find out until the birth. They'd wanted a surprise, and so that particular bit of knowledge was yet to come.)

Maybe third time really was the charm. There were still hints of ghosts from their previous experiences, Ben knew, but right now he was insanely happy.

"We are never having sex again," Leslie moaned loudly, drawing him back to the present.

"Never?" he quirked an eyebrow teasingly, unable to help himself.

"Damn it, Wyatt," she closed her eyes in pain.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice softer. She squeezed his hand.

"I'll get you waffles when it's finished," he promised.

The offer brought a smile to her face, just as he suspected it would.

00000000

Twenty-six hours. Twenty-six hours later, and he was watching Leslie hold their daughter.

They had named her Amelia Hope. During their many name brainstorming sessions, they'd had several contenders, including Ann (Leslie's idea) and Hilary (Leslie's idea again). They both felt that they had chosen the perfect name. They loved Amelia. Leslie had happily pointed out that it was the name of the great female aviator. Ben planned on calling her Amy for short. His Amy – he liked that.

Hope was equally fitting. They both felt that this baby had given them hope again after their previous experiences – hope that their loss would be filled, hope that they would find a bright stream of daylight.

And it obviously didn't hurt, Leslie had added, that hope had been one of Obama's campaign slogans.

His wife was still absorbed in Amelia, talking to her softly. Ben smiled.

"You do know you're gonna have to share her eventually," he pointed out.

"That labor gave me dibs," Leslie quipped quietly as she smiled at Amelia, "Though I might be persuaded to share."

There was a knock on the door.

"Special delivery," the nurse said, carrying a plate of waffles.

Leslie looked at Ben incredulously, "JJ's doesn't deliver!"

Ben smiled, "I pulled a few strings."

"Have I told you lately that you're amazing?" Leslie asked.

"Have I told _you _lately that_ you're_ amazing?" he replied, still smiling at her. Still smiling at their daughter.

Leslie turned her attention again to the small newborn in her arms, "Hey, sweetie. Wanna see your dad again?"

He took the tiny bundle in his arms, making no effort to wipe the smile off his face.

The three of them were definitely meant to be.


End file.
